The Unofficial Guide to Surviving as a Meet Timer

The following letter was submitted for inclusion on this web site by one of our new swim officials. Through some persuasion and even more arm twisting (he is considerably larger than me) I have enclosed it for your information. I am sure it contains advice that would not be considered a good idea by B.C.S.O.A. or anyone else for that matter!

Dear Duncan,

I am writing to you to express some thoughts you might want to pass along at your next Timers Clinic as the real truth in how to get along as a Timer in your first meet.

Now I realize that you may have been somewhat suspicious that I was not overly keen on becoming a swim official. I can understand how 3 successive close deaths in the family all occurring the week that you were asking for officials on 3 successive years might seem to some to have been stretching the laws of probability. Personally I thought your request for a notarized Family Tree might have been a bit "over the top" though. I will have you know that last year I attended my fathers' cremation and at my mothers request brought the marshmallows but in the dance to the live band afterwards all we could think of was our pain.

Having finally attended my first Timers clinic, I personally am not bitter that the mandatory meeting was held the afternoon of the Super Bowl. Frankly, I can not recall a more totally restorative sleep!

There were a few things I would like to pass on to prospective officials.

Firstly your advice to turn up 45 minutes early. You turn up this early and you will be setting up the meet! Plus it is hard to avoid the Officials pre race meeting which made even your Timing clinic seem exciting. No I figure you wait until the race is about to start and after the Ref has had to beg a couple of times and threaten to shoot the starter unless someone comes forward to time before you volunteer. This process basically takes care of dressing up like the Man from Glad at the same time as by this point they will take you to time even if you've got a mood ring dangling from your nose and a tee shirt that states "Wink if You're Horny" on it (by the way do you know where I might get one of those?).

The next thing that I'd like to bring up is lane placement. Despite your suggestion that the best timers should be put in the central lanes, everyone knows that lanes 1 and 8 get the most breaks and fill up early. This can be put in the negotiation package once the Ref has shifted to begging mode. Other lanes may be chosen on the basis of who you really want to spend the next 8 hours talking to (or who would like least to spend the next 8 hours talking to you). Here a little coin for the Chief Timer can go a long way to a much more pleasurable afternoon with the Timer who is a ringer for Julia Roberts or Tom Cruise depending on which way you lean. Forget your money at home and you spend 8 hours listening to how your fellow timers son just shaved 11/100ths off his personal best! (I figure if I'm ever told I have only a few days to live I might try this to make it seem way longer!). No wonder the Chief Timer drives a Beemer!

On another point there is the heat sheet. Now you seemed to think this was of some value in being sure your swimmer was in the right lane. This may be of some use but let's get it straight; the heat sheet is there so you know when the lunch break is. You have to know this because you have to be a total idiot to work up an excuse to get replaced as a timer before lunch and yet you have to ready to roll with a few gems for right afterward or you'll get stuck doing the 1500's at the end! Try to come up with something original or at least different than the guys in the next lane or you look like a real dufus and it will cost you major coin with the Chief Timer to get out! It should be easy to come up with something good as basically all you are doing is asking the swimmer what his or her name is, clicking one side of the watch with the flash, clicking the other side for splits, hitting the watch at the end, recording the time on a piece of paper and giving it to somebody's kid at the end who will change on the half hour (there's a job you might want to consider).

On the subject of food, you might want to remind everyone to avoid the pate on the second day as, although it might be my imagination, to me it looked an awful lot like the previous days lunch mixed in the blender with a little left over Powerade! Certainly tasted like it!

Ok, so lets say you got stuck with the parent from hell in lane 4, so what do you do now. I figure it's time for a little fun. Volunteer to write down the times and whatever times he or she comes up with make yours .2 seconds faster. Let it frustrate him a little and then throw in the odd comment like "Are you going off the light?" or "Are you using the thumb or the index finger to activate the watch?". In case you start feeling sorry for them just remember the people he or she has tortured over the years with stories about their little Alex Baumann! Once you've had a little fun there start working on the stroke and turn judge or Referee. If you ever see them turn away throw in something like "I'm new here, are the swimmers allowed to do freestyle in the first stroke of the Butterfly like lane 4" or "Aren't the swimmers supposed to touch the wall during their turn?". Always good for a laugh and with them paying more attention to the meet there probably will be more food for you!

So look, I hope these suggestions may be of some use to you. By the way, I think I may not be able to make the next meet as my hamster isn't looking very well.

Yours sincerely,

Isa J. Oke