The Unofficial Guide to Doing Stroke and Turn

The following letter was submitted for inclusion on this web site by one of our swim officials. Through some persuasion (blackmail) and even more arm twisting (threats) I have enclosed it for your information. I am sure it contains advice that would not be considered a good idea by B.C.S.O.A. or anyone else for that matter!

Dear Duncan,

In the spirit of my previous letter suggesting a few tips for "aspiring" timers or Level 1 Officials as you put it (one step closer to stepping off the edge of a cliff if you ask me), I thought that I might pen a few words of wisdom for those stuck with stroke and turn for a swim meet.

First I do want to say that there are a few pluses to the job. You are by yourself so you never have to endure the endless prattle about how your timing partners little darling has just set a PR and as it turns out you do get fed pretty regular! Let's face it, put those DQ slips in your pocket for good and you can settle in for a pretty reasonable time as long as you keep out of the eye of the Ref.

There are, as always however, a few drawbacks. First, there's that deadly officials meeting where you as Ref are supposed to be passing on a few pearls of wisdom. I've passed kidney stones that were less painful! The big thing here is to appear to be paying close attention to this weeks' total rearrangement of the rules (like you were actually going to call anything anyway!) while your mind goes back to that summer co-ed camping trip while you were in College. The other thing here is to identify the keeners (the ones that ask stuff like "At what point does the body wave movement in breastroke become an illegal dolphin kick?") so that you can keep as far away from them on deck as possible! If you don't, they'll make your life miserable passing on suggestions to you like, "Excuse me, but I don't think the swimmers are allowed to do freestyle in a butterfly race like the last guy in your lane did!". I figure, they give you a suggestion, you call it on their kid whenever he turns up in your lane and blame it on them! Or, wait till they are distracted and then go over and say, "I'm sorry to bother you but seeing as you are a Level 5 official, can you tell me why you didn't call that one hand touch?" Trust me, do this once, and silence is golden for the rest of the meet.

Next problem is how to avoid getting wet. Here is where you pull out the old bad back routine. Say that you'll do stroke on the side but don't fall for the trick question, "Can you do the false start rope?" as they know you're faking it if you're prepared to yard up that on a regular basis (plus yarding up that is work that takes you away from what you planned to do............................which was nothing).

Ok, so let's say you're stuck writing up a DQ because the Ref makes you and there's a general consensus that doing freestyle during the backstroke is not considered altogether fair. Sure you go over and launch into the "That was a great swim, just wonderful..............but".......... and then let the swimmer know what kind of car the Ref drives. Even a big windbag like you would have trouble blowing up 4 tires after a swim meet!

There are of course times when you can actually enjoy giving out a DQ. Next time that future Alex Bauman who likes to tramp thru your flower garden while delivering the paper gets up in your lane, just a little flash of a DQ slip by you as he gets up on the block tends to get the message across.

Now don't get too good at this or you might end up as Chief Turn Judge. Do this job and they actually make you wear a blue blazer for finals! This, in the overchlorinated mind of senior officials, is so the officials can look sharp (kind of an oxymoron). I doubt anybody but the senior officials care what the officials look like but wearing a $5.00 Sally Ann Blazer with old white crinkled pants and beat up tennis shoes isn't likely, in my mind, to be what the "10 Best Dressed" are wearing this year! More like "Guber goes to the Country Club" if you ask me. Ten minutes in 90 degree heat with one of those jackets and you're sweating so bad that people are wondering whether you have some serious medical condition or perhaps going through heroin withdrawal! This is basically just seen at the big meets. As far as I can see, the only purpose of having one of these is to waste more time and give the Ref a little longer to come up with a good line for the coach. The drill is that someone staring at a lane notices a DQ and stays standing after the completion of the event. You, as Chief Turn Judge, then have to emerge from your Zen-state (nearly terminal after doing zip for about 3 hours and coordinating the officials 2 step) to actually ask them about it. Yes, here you are actually supposed to ask them whether they were in the right position and actually saw what they thought they saw when they report a one hand touch. Most times, if you are lucky, you'll get something back like "Do you think I'm standing here for my health? No, I was picking my nose off in the corner and stuck my finger so far in that I had a visual hallucination of a swimmer doing a one hand touch!" The only value of this is that it gives you a good line to use on the Ref when he asks you the same stupid questions that you just asked as you bring over the DQ!

Usually it takes about 2 or 3 of these calls and the whole meet is behind about an hour. No one then calls anything and you get back to your fantasy about the timer with the fresh face in lane 2!

So I hope this helps out a few people that you stick with this job at the next meet. Just remember, don't call me, I'll call you.

Regards(not really),

Isa J. Oke